hello Tumblr, I’m back!
time to catch up.. did you miss me? mwahaha
hello Tumblr, I’m back!
time to catch up.. did you miss me? mwahaha
but if there is one thing that I know, it is that I am a sojourner, a foreigner, an alien in this world; a tourist passing by and making the most of my short trip here, with nothing to lose and nothing to hide because soon I will be back at home by my dear daddy’s side :)
Okay, let’s ignore the fact that this is most DEFINITELY not the most flattering photo of me. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you me with an extra 50 gabazillion pounds of extra fat lolol ohmy I look like a turtle. Anyway. Focus on the grandmother behind me.
I promise there is a very important reason why I decided to post this picture up.
Lately, there have been a lot of burdens in my heart and a lot of uh struggles, shall we say. A lot of it is growing pains from healing and just growing deeper in Christ, but a lot of it is also fresh struggles that will probably be long term things I deal with also. With my head so up in the clouds and my vision so blurred with so many external influences insecurities and blahblahblah, I realized that I had completely overlooked and failed to justly commemorate the day I came to Christ. In fact, looking at all the smaller details made me lose my complete and ultimate focus and sight on Christ and God.
So, at 4:23 am, I want to remember and remind myself of that pure, genuine feeling of coming back to my heavenly Father and to honor that moment when God irreversibly moved my heart and brought me back into his safe arms.
This picture. Is precious to me.
Last August (8/7-8/13) was the first missions trip I went to; Arizona, specifically.
Up until that point, I was one of those Sunday Christians, I guess you could call it. Honestly, I didn’t even consider myself a Sunday Christian really, because my church was so small that most of the time I was serving more than anything, and by August last year the only stories I really knew were like.. Noah. And bits and pieces about David and Goliath. Oh and the Resurrection. but only kinda. Maybe at one point in my life, when i was really really young and had a rather simple minded heart, I believed? but that was very very short-lived. Honestly. I think I can talk well or something with very little knowledge, because I don’t think people noticed.. ehehe… Long paragraph short. I didn’t believe.
Anyways, I really only went to Arizona because it was just another one of those things that my church was doing and it was another one of those things I felt like I was compelled to go to, that it was my duty of sorts; take care of the young ones and go and represent our church whooo!
Forgive me if I’m being blunt here but that is how it was for me back then. Just being real. Yknow.
That day, we were supposed to be evangelizing at senior center. But I was the last one to go and talk to the senior citizens, because I didn’t want to say words that I myself didn’t believe. And because I was forced to. I was so hesitant so scared so unwilling to talk about Christ to talk about anything Gospel related because deep down in my heart, I didn’t believe it either. Skits and songs I could do because those were just motions. But how could I go talk about something that I didn’t believe?
But… I did. And God led me to that wonderful Navajo woman named Mary-Alice.
She was one of the only ones who spoke both Navajo and English. And grudgingly I sat next to her to make crafts and “talk”. With my limited Christian vocabulary, I asked her if she knew about Christ, if she knew what the Bible was.
To my huge surprise, her daughter was Catholic and she owned a Bible; such a rare thing to find on reservations. So I asked her if she’d ever read it.
Funny thing is, she said she had only read Revelations. And that she couldn’t believe because she couldn’t believe a God that was so scary and she didn’t want all that stuff to happen to her.
Again, with my limited Christian vocabulary I spoke like an infant to another infant. Simply I said she should read other books in the Bible, that if she did she would find a God of love, a God of protection, a God who, yes, is one to be feared, but is one to be loved also. That if she believed in God she would be protected from all these things.
And as she heard those words, I saw her face just transform, and the struggles just melt away. A few simple words were all it took for God to be relayed through an unbelieving doubtful child like me. And as she heard those words, I heard those words too. For the first time I truly heard those words. And as I heard those words, it was as if God was speaking those words to me because fear fear fear ultimate fear was what I had and God took it away he just took it all away and it dissolved into nothingness it suddenly rather fascinatingly evaporated from the depths of my heart and instead there was reassurance. No more fear no more.
And Mary-Alice and I, we became silent and still at the gravity of what had happened to our hearts. She is my coming to Christ together sister. And we talked. The talk came out so freely so desperately then. I asked her I begged her, if anything as a favor to me, we pinky promised, that she would read the Bible, the other parts, and she said she would. She told me that she was going blind and soon would become completely blind and she seemed at such a loss at what to do oh what to do because she was scared that without her eyes she would not be able to experience and discover God discover Christ. So I told her I told her to read read read before it got any worse and if it did get to the point where she could not see to have someone there read for her, her daughter, a friend, a staff member. And she nodded. And in my heart, I made the same promise to myself that I had made with her. Because now God was real, something far different than I had imagined far different than the image I had held far different than anything of this world.
And too soon too too soon it was time to leave. Until the last minute we were with one another. So moved by Christ, she followed us out to the team prayer before we left and tightly hugged me before I left and said I was like her daughter now and asked me my name again and again until it stuck and told me not to forget her. I wish I had given her a bigger hug and prayed for her, but at that moment I myself was so stunned that I didn’t. I don’t have a way to contact her or anything but that bond that Christ formed at that place at that moment between me and her, spiritual sisters, two lost sheep brought back into the fold, is far stronger than anything.
But yes. I trust that God has moved and worked in her like He has in me for this past year. Oh father, it’s only been a year but it’s been such a year. I just wanted to remember that moment when I realized you. Because ultimately, no matter how many things get in the way, it’s me and You. And that’s it. Just like that moment when I realized you, so simple, so pure, so genuine, so real. That’s what it should be every moment of my waking life as I walk with you.
And lastly, thank you God. For everything.
I complain now I struggle now I resist now but ultimately I’m so grateful, so much more than words can express, that you brought me back to you that day.
haha there’s so much more I could say about the rest of the trip but uh. it’s 5 am. and I’m tired. so there. just reminding myself of my love at it’s beginning, at its purest. and reminding myself to go back to that, when it was completely him and none of me. mm.